One Year.

It's hard to believe it's been a year. Some days it feels like 3, some days it feels like yesterday. I love you, peanut. Thank you, Lord, for letting me carry that special gift for a little while. Hold my baby close, please. One day, Mommy will be there to hold and kiss you a million billion times. I love you always always always!

Connecticut.

I've been praying HARD for these families. Lord, wrap your arms around them. Comfort them as only your peace and grace and love can. Hold them close, for they are truly hurting and heartbroken.
I know the hurt of losing a baby. You love them so much already. But I couldn't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child that I had gotten to get to know, and watch grow. So please, Lord. Hold these families close right now and in the future. They are hurting terribly. Help them please. Amen.

Carried

"It was then that I carried you."
I carried you. Then He carried you. For a while He had to carry me, too.
I only got to carry you for a little while, but I will carry you in my heart always.
This time, last year, I was pregnant with you. I was a little scared, happy, and starting to get excited. I was trusting and leaning on God. I had to let Him carry you, though. I don't understand, but I trust. The 17th will be hard, but I know He will help me, just like last year. I love you, baby. Always. always. always.

You'll just have Heaven before we do, baby.

Peanut, HOW has it been a year since I found out I was pregnant with you? I can't believe it. You'd be almost 4 months old now, if you'd been born on your due date. It's so hard to believe.
I miss you, peanut. I love you SO much, don't you EVER forget that. Mommy loves you. I will carry you in my heart always.
I found a song called Glory Baby. That's where I found the title for this post. I loved it. "You'll just have Heaven before we do." I just know they're holding you and loving you until I get there. I'll have you and Heaven and our sweet Jesus one day, peanut. Be patient, He's not done with me yet.
I found this one that almost made Mommy cry. "No farewell words were spoken. No time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it. And only God knows why." He knows baby. You were too beautiful to be here. You got Heaven before I did, but one day, I'll be there with you, peanut. Until then, I love you. Sweet dreams baby.

I'll Carry You in My Heart Forever

I only carried you in my tummy for a little while, but I'll carry you in my heart forever. And ever and ever, peanut.
I love you baby. Sweet dreams. Xoxoxo

I just..

Wish you were here, Peanut. :( I want you. I love you, baby. Always. Always. Always. Sweet dreams my little lovie.

Seventy Times Seven.

For the things that were said, for the things that were done, forgive.
God was laying that on my heart.
But Lord, you know the hurt -
Forgive.
But Lord, it's not fair -
Forgive.
But Lord, I didn't -
Forgive.

How many times do I have to forgive, God. It feels like I'm always forgiving. Why should I? Why bother? How many times should I forgive?

Just as I forgave you of your sins, so you should forgive others of theirs.
Seventy times seven.

Keep forgiving them. Always forgive. Don't hold the ugliness, the pain, the grudge in your heart.

Seventy times seven.
So sweet, so humbling.

I'm Not Who I Used To Be

Not. Who. I. Used. To. Be.
Something. Different.
Something. New.
NOT. WHO. I USED. TO. BE.
I read a book where the character said this. I don't remember the title but it's by Julia Quinn. I has stuck with me since the moment I read it. I repeat it over and over sometimes, and I thought I was losing it until...
Three days later, in the car on the way home from school, I heard this song:
Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed
"All my life I have been called unworthy, named by the voice of my shame and regret. But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head", I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet... I am redeemed, You set me free. So I'll shake off these heavy chains, and wipe every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be. Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be. Jesus, I'm not who I used to be. 'Cause I am redeemed.Thank God, redeemed."
Oh it shook me. Down to my core. But He didn't stop there. Oh no.
Another three days later, I came across this picture. I knew. It was no coincidence. Is anything really coincidence? I don't really think so. God wanted me to get this message. I'm not who I used to be. I know how much I've changed since I was redeemed by His grace. I know how much I've changed in the last year. In the last 6 months.
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be. I am redeemed. You set me free... Thank you, Lord. Thank you for using my number. Thank you for showing me in three different ways. Thank you for reminding me. Again. Thank you for your most precious gift. Jesus.
I am redeemed.
I'm not who I used to be...

Want Some Positive With That Negative?

Peanut baby, you know I try to be a good person. To not have mean or rude thoughts about others. But they're there. Ohhhh, they're there. I'm venting tonight. I know, I know, but I need it off my chest, so bear with me, chunky.
People who lock doors when you don't have your key. Grrr. Didn't like being locked out of our room. (Haha this one's just making me laugh now.)
People who dress inappropriately. Just because it zips doesn't mean it fits. Modest is hottest. (Not trying to be rude, everyone is beautiful in their uniqueness, just cover yourself appropriately.)
People who complain about their kids all the time. You should feel blessed you have them. I'd give anything to have my baby. ANYTHING. You know that, right, P?
People who are constantly being hypocritical. Just stop, PLEASE. That do as I say, not as I do crap? Yeah that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't work and it just makes you look like even more of a hypocrite.
People who are rude to their friends/significant other/families when other people are present. Save that for privacy. And DON'T let the sun go down on your anger.

NOW, to counter the negative, some positive.
Peoples who drop everything to come get you from work and eat dinner with you. The same peoples you can talk to for 2 hours and not run out of things to talk about. :) (Shanaynay and Taytay)
People who check on you everyday when you're sick, or when they know you're having a long or bad day. :) (MOMMY) (MyZachieCole)
People who always defend you and have your back. :)
People who go out of their way to help you, or to show you some kindness. :) (Strangers)
People who make me laugh. :) (MyZacAttack) (Shainalynn and Taylorblake)
People who love you no matter how sick you are, how bad of a day you've had, or how cranky/moody you get. :) (All my peanut lovers)
I just wanna say thank you to the people in this bottom part, you know who you are, and I love you for that.
And for every negative thing in my life, I have 10 positive things to be happy about. And I'm sooo thankful for that.
If I only had what I gave thanks for tomorrow, well...
Thank you, Lord, for my health. I may be sick, but it's not too serious (maybe an upper respiratory infect) and I'm still alive.
Thank you, God, so so so much for Zac. You know I'd be lost without him. I love him so much. He's my better half, he completely completes me, and he makes me want to be a better me. <3
Thank you, Jesus, for a place to live, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, a job I love, and that I can go to school. These things I take for granted, but that are soooo important.
Thank you Lord, for all of my family and my friends. You know how I lean on them so.
Thank you God, for the precious gift of your Son, who died for me. Without Him, I'd be lost and dead inside. There's not enough thanks for this!!!
Thank you Jesus, that I got to be a Mommy for a little while, and for holding my baby for me. Give our baby a couple of sloppy kisses for me. (Those are for you my chunky little peanut baby.)
Sweet dreams baby. Sweet dreams everyone. Don't forget to keep your faith. Hold it close to your heart.

Chunky Peanut Butter

Why should I have to "move on" or "get past it"? As long as I'm not becoming depressed again (and trust me, I'm not) am I not, as your Mommy, allowed to grieve you every now and then and then again whenever I want? That's what I thought. I think about you a lot. It still hurts, Peanut. A lot. I wish I still had you. I'd gladly have the stretch marks, the weight, EVERYTHING. Just. To. Have. You. I cry when I'm alone, a lot sometimes. I cry every month on the 17th, when I knew, you had gone. I cried on the 8th, which SHOULD have been your birthday. I cried on the 8th and 17th every month. I miss you so much it hurts my heart baby. Are you ok? Of course you are, you're with Jesus baby. But do you know about me? Lord, please tell my baby, please. I wanted to tell them about you, but I can't, so will you tell them about me? Do you miss me? Do you know how much I love you still? I love you so much. So freaking much from the very beginning. My little peanut baby. I only got you to carry you in my tummy for a little while, but I was SO in love with you. I knew pretty much, what name I wanted for you, and I began to get excited about you coming into the world. I'll carry you in my heart forever. I know you're with Jesus, and that gives me happy bumps and sad bumps at the same time. I know Heaven will be amazing, and I'm jealous you get to be there, in His presence, but sad because I wish you had gotten to be with me. A child should never pass before their parent. Whether it's miscarriage, sickness, accident, anything. It's screwed up. But it happens. God has a will and a way. He allows things to happen for a reason. I do not understand His reason for wanting to keep you, but then, I was not made to understand. Just accept. I've accepted it, Peanut. I know you're gone, with Him. You were too beautiful to come to this wretched Earth. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. I think I'm allowed to hurt.. I love you, and it HURTS to lose someone you love. He loves you so much more than I. He'll hold you til I get there baby. Be patient with Mommy. He's not through with me yet. I love you my little chunky peanut butter baby. Sweet dreams. XOXOXO, Mommy..

P.S. This picture is from Maya's blog at Rockstar Ronan. I related to it the minute I saw it. She is an amazing woman, much stronger than I. I admire her strength, and her love for her Ro baby, who she lost to cancer. Go check out her blog. Please!

For my Peanut.

Mommy loves you, baby.

I'll hold you in my heart forever...

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy's heart.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We're never truly apart."


What Makes a Mother? - Author Unknown"I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, ’What makes a Mother?’ and I know I heard Him say,
'A mother has a baby, this we know is true',
'But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you'?
'Yes you can', He replied, with confidence in His voice
'I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay'.
I just dont understand this Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
'I wish the I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say.
’We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mummy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay,
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here’.
So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me, until your lesson’s through,
And on the day I call you home they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you know what makes a mother.
It’s the feeling in your heart,
Its the love you had so much of, right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you ARE a special Mom!'"

Where Is Your Heart?

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -Matthew 6:21
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, where thieves do not break in and steal." -Matthew 6:19-20
What does that mean? It means, that as Christians, we have a choice. We can either worry about the next thing we want, or "need" all the time, and keep building up our "treasures" here on Earth; or we can start building up treasures in Heaven, and put more focus on that.
Storing up treasures on Earth is just a way of saying that all we are worried about is money. It becomes an idol to us, a master to us. All we want to do is spend money, make money, buy things, and we become a slave to the things we want and the money we make.
While money is essential to living these days (house, food, clothing, etc.) it doesn't have to be so materialistic. Enough is enough. Why can't we, as humans, be happy and feel blessed with what we have, instead of worrying about what others have got. Because we're humans, and that's our nature? There's got to be another way, 'cause it breaks my heart to see people (including myself, at times) living this way.
Storing up treasures in Heaven is a different concept. It means doing things for others, and for Christ. You don't think that the Almighty sees and knows everything? Yet, He gave us free will so we could make our own choices. He wants us to choose Him. Choose to show other people Him, tell other people about Him (remember, actions speak louder than words). By following Christ's example, and helping others, taking care of others when they need it,  doesn't matter if it's big or small, and showing others acts of kindness, compassion, and love, we can store up treasures in Heaven, by doing it out of selflessness.
Imagine the treasures that Heaven has. Look at what Earth has, then imagine how much greater, how much more amazing Heaven will be than Earth.
"No one can serve two masters. Either you hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to one, and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." -Matthew 6:24

Where you store up your treasure, there your heart will also be. Do you want your heart to be in God, or in money, and things of this world?
Where is your heart?

My Favorite Verses

Now, I love reading the Bible, and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that any part is more important than the other. I just have some verses that are forever ingrained in my memory, and highlighted and reread over and over in my bible, and these are some.

• Genesis 1:1 - "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."
• Deuteronomy 6:4&5 - "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength."
• Deuteronomy 31:6 - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."
• Joshua 1:5, 7, & 9 - "No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous... Be very strong and courageous... Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
• Ruth 1:16 - "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."
• Psalm 18:1-3 - "I love you, Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies."
• Psalm 23 - "The Lord is my shepard, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the vallet of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You annoit my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
• Psalm 32:7 - "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."
• Psalm 37:4 - "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
• Psalm 118:24 -"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."
• Psalm 119:11 - "I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you."
• Psalm 119:34-36 - "Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight. Turn my heart toward your statues, and not toward selfish gain."
• Psalm 119:105 - "Your word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path."
• Psalms 139:13&14 - "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
• Proverbs 3:5-6 - "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
• Proverbs 15:1 - "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh answer stirs up anger."
• Proverbs 15:8 - "The Lord detests the sacrafice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases Him."
• Proverbs 31:10-31 <3
• Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 "A Time for Everything"
• Song of Songs 2:2 - "Like a lily among the thorns, is my darling among the young women." <3
• Song of Songs 4:7 - "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
• Isaiah 40:29-31 - He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
• Jeremiah 29:11 - "'For I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
• Micah 6:8 - "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To seek justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God."
• Matthew 7:1-3 - "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye, and ignore the plank in your own eye?"
• Matthew 7:7 - "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you."
• Matthew 22:37-39 - "Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"
• John 3:16 - "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
• John 14:6 - "I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father except through me."
• Romans 1:29 - "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature - have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."
• Romans 3:23 - "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."
• 1 Corinthians 13:4-8  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." <3
• 2 Corinthians 5:8 - "We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord."
• 2 Corinthians 12:8&10 - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness... For when I am weak, then I am strong."
• Galatians 5:22-23 - "But the fruit of the spirit it love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
• Ephesians 4:29 - "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
• Phillipians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
• 2 Timothy 2:11-13  - "If we died with Him, we will also live with Him; If we endure, we will also reign with Him. If we disown Him, He will disown us; if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for he cannot disown Himself."
• Hebrews 11:1 - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot see."
• James 2:17 - "Also, faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead."
• 1 Peter 1:7-9 - "These trials have come so that the proven genuiness of your faith -of greater worth than gold, which perishes though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are recieving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

(:
These are just some of the ones highlighted, underlined, marked by, and written next to in my bible. I love many more, but these are some of my favorites. <3

"Where are you, men of courage?"

http://youtu.be/pkM-gDcmJeM
We were made to be courageous, and we're taking back the fight.
We were made to be courageous, and it starts with us tonight.
The only way we'll ever stand, is on our knees with lifted hands.
Lord, make us courageous.
The part of that song that gets me first is the question "Where are you, men of courage?" When we look at today's society, do we see men leading their families and communities with hearts full of God, or full of themselves? It takes courage to stand up and do something different than everyone else. But, as Christians, we are called to do JUST that. And as men, you are to listen to and follow God, and then lead us. That's how God made you.
Deuteronomy 31:6 says, "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, He will never leave you or forsake you."
Men of courage, it is time. Take. Your. Stand. Take back the fight.Don't you hear God's voice whispering that in your ear?
"The only way we'll ever stand is on our knees with lifted hands." When we turn to Him, and draw our courage from His strength and His word, it helps us stand up and make the changes that need to be made. The changes that need to be made in each of us, starting from the inside out. First our hearts, and that will overflow into our thoughts, words, actions, until others see and feel the change.
Men, you are to lead. Not by "watching from the sidelines", but by being the "warriors on the frontlines", working to change the world starting from your heart, to your home, to your church, and spreading it from there.
Don't let fear keep you from your generation being the one that finally breaks through to the people. Don't let fear keep you and your family from having a better quality of life in God. Isaiah 41:3 says, "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" Grab ahold of His hand tight, allow Him to lead you, and don't let go.
Micah 6:8 is featured in this song, and has a strong message that I have always loved.
It says, "He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To seek justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God." Think seriously about what each of those things mean for a minute, just a minute. Seek justice. Love mercy. Walk humbly with the Lord. You can do that. We believe in you. Granted, it's not the easiest road. You may be ostricized, criticized, rejected, rebuffed, and so forth at first. But you can't give up, you can't give in. This can't just be a temporary change because this ISN'T something that needs a temporary fix. There's got to be a difference. It's got to be a life change.
So, where are you men of courage? Where are the men that God has called for His purpose? Take back the fight.
Don't let the devil win over the minds and hearts of the people that we should be reaching out to for Christ. Don't let the devil get a foothold in your family, in your home. (Future or present, young and old men alike!)
You were called to do so much more than just stand back and allow the devil to run this world amuck.
Where are you, men of courage? I can't wait for the day when the men of courage stand and say, "We're right here, Lord, and we're not going anywhere. Where do you want us, what would you have us do?"

Men of courage - 1 Corinthians 16:13 : "Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong."

We were meant to be courageous; Lord, make us courageous. Praying that earnestly over and over recently. Lord, make us courageous.

(If you haven't seen the movie Courageous, I more than strongly recommend it. If you want to learn more about being a man of courage, check out this website, and see below the resolution they made in the movie, and that men have been taking all over the country ever since, and there's always a book where you can learn more about how to be that kind of man... A bible.
http://www.menofcourageonline.com/
"I do solemnly resolve before God to take full responsibility for myself, my wife, and my children. I WILL love them, protect them, serve them, and teach them the Word of God as the spiritual leader of my home. I WILL be faithful to my wife, to love and honor her, and be willing to lay down my life for her as Jesus Christ did for me. I WILL bless my children and teach them to love God with all of their hearts, all of their minds, and all of their strength. I WILL train them to honor authority and live responsibly. I WILL confront evil, pursue justice, and love mercy. I WILL pray for others and treat them with kindness, respect, and compassion. I WILL work diligently to provide for the needs of my family. I WILL forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged. I WILL learn from my mistakes, repent of my sins, and walk with integrity as a man answerable to God. I WILL seek to honor God, be faithful to His church, obey His Word, and do His will. I WILL courageously work with the strength God provides to fulfill this resolution for the rest of my life and for His glory."

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. —Joshua 24:15.)

We were meant to be courageous; Lord, make us courageous.

Little Light

I wrote in my journal, not too long ago, that one light in a dark place can change everything. And it can.
John 8, verse 12 says, "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.'"
Jesus came to this earth, full of sinners (aka a dark place) and brought light to it. Brought hope of salvation, brought hope of a new and better life than the one we humans were living.

He gave us some of that light. By giving us free will, and allowing us to choose whether or not to accept Him, (and I mean, why wouldn't you want to? He died for your sins, so you could live eternally in Heaven) He also gave us the gift of having Him in our hearts. Which leads to one of my favorite verses in Matthew.
Matthew 5, starting at verse 14, says, "You are the light of the world. A city on a hilltop cannot be hidden,. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in Heaven."
SO once you've accepted Jesus as your Savior, and invited Him into your heart, you too are a light. A light to others around you. Your words and your actions are your light. You shouldn't hide that you are a child of God. You shouldn't put your light "under a bowl" when you want to, and take it back out when you want. We should always "shine our light" before others, so that they see something different in us, something that they will want and yearn for. That's one way to help others come to know Christ.
Like the song says, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine."

Angel Baby

So, not too many people know about my angel baby. It's been a long time since I've posted on here. I didn't want to, and couldn't really think of the words to say. There weren't any, really.

I found out I was pregnant December 6, 2011, at 4 weeks, 6 days. It took 3 digital tests, and a non-digital before I'd believe my own eyes. (Third test not shown here, obviously.) I waited 6 days after I missed it, because I was irregular. Until the morning (all day) sickness started, the sore breasts, and well, you get the picture.
I was in shock, trying to figure out how to tell everyone. and decided not to for a couple of days, to figure out options and what not. By the end of the week, my parents knew, his parents knew, and well, so did most of our families. But, we were workng on things. I was attending a state university, and knew it would be easier to come home and go to a community college. His mom went with me to have another test done, and sure enough, I was definitely pregnant. Just like with the tests I'd done myself, not only did it say pregnant, it was positive veryyy quickly. (By then, I was 5 weeks, 2 days.)  I drove home the day finals ended, and met Momma up at the college she works at for lunch. We hugged, cried a little, talked a LOT. We went back up to the school that week to pack up all my stuff and move me home. We also kind of went window shopping for cribs and what-not, just looking, and bought a little pig piggy-bank. Mom and I started looking at lots of names, trying to pick one out. My heart was set on Kaylee for a little girl, and Benjamin for a boy. I kind of got to hear the baby's heartbeat, just once, really faint. Then. just a week later, at 6 weeks, 2 days, I was sitting on the couch, and felt something bad, unusual. My heart and stomach dropped before I even saw it. I knew. Mom and I went to the hospital. There was really nothing they could do, except give me pain medicine, and send me home. Threatened miscarriage. The next 3 days were hell on earth. I had to watch the baby that had been growing inside me, pass through me. And I saw everyyyything. I didn't stop crying the whole time. There was something a little unsual though, and I told them that when I went to the doctor. He said yes, I had had a complete miscarriage, but my hcg levels were still a little higher than they should have been by that point. I told him what I had seen, and he told me he suspected that I had been carrying twins.. Talk about heartbreak. But, there was no way to know for sure.
I went through kind of a down time. I was depressed for awhile. Crying in the shower, at night, when I was alone. The baby's biological father and I broke up, I realized I didn't love him, and I ended things.
I didn't know what to do anymore. The past few weeks, I had been adjusting myself to become a mom, and doing things to get ready for that. I decided to stay close to home, and go to school here, and a week or two after I lost the baby, I found this quote.

I loved it. It just gave me peace to know that my baby was in Heaven now, with the angels, and Jesus, and God. Someone told me they were praying for me and my "angel baby" and that's what I've been saying ever since.
"Now I lay you down to sleep, I pray the Lord your soul to keep. With His arms, He'll hold you real tight, my angel baby, my guiding light."
"Gone yet not forgetten,although we are apart, your spirit lives within me, forever in my heart."
"Sometimes love is for a moment. Sometimes love is for a lifetime. Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."

My prayer is this:
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me? Tell them that I love them, Lord, and I'm looking forward to the day when I get to meet them at Heaven's gate. Tell them Mommy loves them, and give my baby a kiss. Tell them that I think about them all the time, and how I know deep down, they're better off in Your arms than mine."

12/17/2011 - Rest with Jesus, baby. Mommy loves you very much.