Chunky Peanut Butter

Why should I have to "move on" or "get past it"? As long as I'm not becoming depressed again (and trust me, I'm not) am I not, as your Mommy, allowed to grieve you every now and then and then again whenever I want? That's what I thought. I think about you a lot. It still hurts, Peanut. A lot. I wish I still had you. I'd gladly have the stretch marks, the weight, EVERYTHING. Just. To. Have. You. I cry when I'm alone, a lot sometimes. I cry every month on the 17th, when I knew, you had gone. I cried on the 8th, which SHOULD have been your birthday. I cried on the 8th and 17th every month. I miss you so much it hurts my heart baby. Are you ok? Of course you are, you're with Jesus baby. But do you know about me? Lord, please tell my baby, please. I wanted to tell them about you, but I can't, so will you tell them about me? Do you miss me? Do you know how much I love you still? I love you so much. So freaking much from the very beginning. My little peanut baby. I only got you to carry you in my tummy for a little while, but I was SO in love with you. I knew pretty much, what name I wanted for you, and I began to get excited about you coming into the world. I'll carry you in my heart forever. I know you're with Jesus, and that gives me happy bumps and sad bumps at the same time. I know Heaven will be amazing, and I'm jealous you get to be there, in His presence, but sad because I wish you had gotten to be with me. A child should never pass before their parent. Whether it's miscarriage, sickness, accident, anything. It's screwed up. But it happens. God has a will and a way. He allows things to happen for a reason. I do not understand His reason for wanting to keep you, but then, I was not made to understand. Just accept. I've accepted it, Peanut. I know you're gone, with Him. You were too beautiful to come to this wretched Earth. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. I think I'm allowed to hurt.. I love you, and it HURTS to lose someone you love. He loves you so much more than I. He'll hold you til I get there baby. Be patient with Mommy. He's not through with me yet. I love you my little chunky peanut butter baby. Sweet dreams. XOXOXO, Mommy..

P.S. This picture is from Maya's blog at Rockstar Ronan. I related to it the minute I saw it. She is an amazing woman, much stronger than I. I admire her strength, and her love for her Ro baby, who she lost to cancer. Go check out her blog. Please!