I was in shock, trying to figure out how to tell everyone. and decided not to for a couple of days, to figure out options and what not. By the end of the week, my parents knew, his parents knew, and well, so did most of our families. But, we were workng on things. I was attending a state university, and knew it would be easier to come home and go to a community college. His mom went with me to have another test done, and sure enough, I was definitely pregnant. Just like with the tests I'd done myself, not only did it say pregnant, it was positive veryyy quickly. (By then, I was 5 weeks, 2 days.) I drove home the day finals ended, and met Momma up at the college she works at for lunch. We hugged, cried a little, talked a LOT. We went back up to the school that week to pack up all my stuff and move me home. We also kind of went window shopping for cribs and what-not, just looking, and bought a little pig piggy-bank. Mom and I started looking at lots of names, trying to pick one out. My heart was set on Kaylee for a little girl, and Benjamin for a boy. I kind of got to hear the baby's heartbeat, just once, really faint. Then. just a week later, at 6 weeks, 2 days, I was sitting on the couch, and felt something bad, unusual. My heart and stomach dropped before I even saw it. I knew. Mom and I went to the hospital. There was really nothing they could do, except give me pain medicine, and send me home. Threatened miscarriage. The next 3 days were hell on earth. I had to watch the baby that had been growing inside me, pass through me. And I saw everyyyything. I didn't stop crying the whole time. There was something a little unsual though, and I told them that when I went to the doctor. He said yes, I had had a complete miscarriage, but my hcg levels were still a little higher than they should have been by that point. I told him what I had seen, and he told me he suspected that I had been carrying twins.. Talk about heartbreak. But, there was no way to know for sure.
I went through kind of a down time. I was depressed for awhile. Crying in the shower, at night, when I was alone. The baby's biological father and I broke up, I realized I didn't love him, and I ended things.
I didn't know what to do anymore. The past few weeks, I had been adjusting myself to become a mom, and doing things to get ready for that. I decided to stay close to home, and go to school here, and a week or two after I lost the baby, I found this quote.
"Now I lay you down to sleep, I pray the Lord your soul to keep. With His arms, He'll hold you real tight, my angel baby, my guiding light."
"Gone yet not forgetten,although we are apart, your spirit lives within me, forever in my heart."
"Sometimes love is for a moment. Sometimes love is for a lifetime. Sometimes a moment is a lifetime."
My prayer is this:
"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me? Tell them that I love them, Lord, and I'm looking forward to the day when I get to meet them at Heaven's gate. Tell them Mommy loves them, and give my baby a kiss. Tell them that I think about them all the time, and how I know deep down, they're better off in Your arms than mine."
12/17/2011 - Rest with Jesus, baby. Mommy loves you very much.
