You'll just have Heaven before we do, baby.

Peanut, HOW has it been a year since I found out I was pregnant with you? I can't believe it. You'd be almost 4 months old now, if you'd been born on your due date. It's so hard to believe.
I miss you, peanut. I love you SO much, don't you EVER forget that. Mommy loves you. I will carry you in my heart always.
I found a song called Glory Baby. That's where I found the title for this post. I loved it. "You'll just have Heaven before we do." I just know they're holding you and loving you until I get there. I'll have you and Heaven and our sweet Jesus one day, peanut. Be patient, He's not done with me yet.
I found this one that almost made Mommy cry. "No farewell words were spoken. No time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it. And only God knows why." He knows baby. You were too beautiful to be here. You got Heaven before I did, but one day, I'll be there with you, peanut. Until then, I love you. Sweet dreams baby.

I'll Carry You in My Heart Forever

I only carried you in my tummy for a little while, but I'll carry you in my heart forever. And ever and ever, peanut.
I love you baby. Sweet dreams. Xoxoxo

I just..

Wish you were here, Peanut. :( I want you. I love you, baby. Always. Always. Always. Sweet dreams my little lovie.

Seventy Times Seven.

For the things that were said, for the things that were done, forgive.
God was laying that on my heart.
But Lord, you know the hurt -
Forgive.
But Lord, it's not fair -
Forgive.
But Lord, I didn't -
Forgive.

How many times do I have to forgive, God. It feels like I'm always forgiving. Why should I? Why bother? How many times should I forgive?

Just as I forgave you of your sins, so you should forgive others of theirs.
Seventy times seven.

Keep forgiving them. Always forgive. Don't hold the ugliness, the pain, the grudge in your heart.

Seventy times seven.
So sweet, so humbling.

I'm Not Who I Used To Be

Not. Who. I. Used. To. Be.
Something. Different.
Something. New.
NOT. WHO. I USED. TO. BE.
I read a book where the character said this. I don't remember the title but it's by Julia Quinn. I has stuck with me since the moment I read it. I repeat it over and over sometimes, and I thought I was losing it until...
Three days later, in the car on the way home from school, I heard this song:
Big Daddy Weave - Redeemed
"All my life I have been called unworthy, named by the voice of my shame and regret. But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head", I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet... I am redeemed, You set me free. So I'll shake off these heavy chains, and wipe every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be. Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be. Jesus, I'm not who I used to be. 'Cause I am redeemed.Thank God, redeemed."
Oh it shook me. Down to my core. But He didn't stop there. Oh no.
Another three days later, I came across this picture. I knew. It was no coincidence. Is anything really coincidence? I don't really think so. God wanted me to get this message. I'm not who I used to be. I know how much I've changed since I was redeemed by His grace. I know how much I've changed in the last year. In the last 6 months.
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be. I am redeemed. You set me free... Thank you, Lord. Thank you for using my number. Thank you for showing me in three different ways. Thank you for reminding me. Again. Thank you for your most precious gift. Jesus.
I am redeemed.
I'm not who I used to be...

Want Some Positive With That Negative?

Peanut baby, you know I try to be a good person. To not have mean or rude thoughts about others. But they're there. Ohhhh, they're there. I'm venting tonight. I know, I know, but I need it off my chest, so bear with me, chunky.
People who lock doors when you don't have your key. Grrr. Didn't like being locked out of our room. (Haha this one's just making me laugh now.)
People who dress inappropriately. Just because it zips doesn't mean it fits. Modest is hottest. (Not trying to be rude, everyone is beautiful in their uniqueness, just cover yourself appropriately.)
People who complain about their kids all the time. You should feel blessed you have them. I'd give anything to have my baby. ANYTHING. You know that, right, P?
People who are constantly being hypocritical. Just stop, PLEASE. That do as I say, not as I do crap? Yeah that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't work and it just makes you look like even more of a hypocrite.
People who are rude to their friends/significant other/families when other people are present. Save that for privacy. And DON'T let the sun go down on your anger.

NOW, to counter the negative, some positive.
Peoples who drop everything to come get you from work and eat dinner with you. The same peoples you can talk to for 2 hours and not run out of things to talk about. :) (Shanaynay and Taytay)
People who check on you everyday when you're sick, or when they know you're having a long or bad day. :) (MOMMY) (MyZachieCole)
People who always defend you and have your back. :)
People who go out of their way to help you, or to show you some kindness. :) (Strangers)
People who make me laugh. :) (MyZacAttack) (Shainalynn and Taylorblake)
People who love you no matter how sick you are, how bad of a day you've had, or how cranky/moody you get. :) (All my peanut lovers)
I just wanna say thank you to the people in this bottom part, you know who you are, and I love you for that.
And for every negative thing in my life, I have 10 positive things to be happy about. And I'm sooo thankful for that.
If I only had what I gave thanks for tomorrow, well...
Thank you, Lord, for my health. I may be sick, but it's not too serious (maybe an upper respiratory infect) and I'm still alive.
Thank you, God, so so so much for Zac. You know I'd be lost without him. I love him so much. He's my better half, he completely completes me, and he makes me want to be a better me. <3
Thank you, Jesus, for a place to live, food in my stomach, clothes on my back, a job I love, and that I can go to school. These things I take for granted, but that are soooo important.
Thank you Lord, for all of my family and my friends. You know how I lean on them so.
Thank you God, for the precious gift of your Son, who died for me. Without Him, I'd be lost and dead inside. There's not enough thanks for this!!!
Thank you Jesus, that I got to be a Mommy for a little while, and for holding my baby for me. Give our baby a couple of sloppy kisses for me. (Those are for you my chunky little peanut baby.)
Sweet dreams baby. Sweet dreams everyone. Don't forget to keep your faith. Hold it close to your heart.

Chunky Peanut Butter

Why should I have to "move on" or "get past it"? As long as I'm not becoming depressed again (and trust me, I'm not) am I not, as your Mommy, allowed to grieve you every now and then and then again whenever I want? That's what I thought. I think about you a lot. It still hurts, Peanut. A lot. I wish I still had you. I'd gladly have the stretch marks, the weight, EVERYTHING. Just. To. Have. You. I cry when I'm alone, a lot sometimes. I cry every month on the 17th, when I knew, you had gone. I cried on the 8th, which SHOULD have been your birthday. I cried on the 8th and 17th every month. I miss you so much it hurts my heart baby. Are you ok? Of course you are, you're with Jesus baby. But do you know about me? Lord, please tell my baby, please. I wanted to tell them about you, but I can't, so will you tell them about me? Do you miss me? Do you know how much I love you still? I love you so much. So freaking much from the very beginning. My little peanut baby. I only got you to carry you in my tummy for a little while, but I was SO in love with you. I knew pretty much, what name I wanted for you, and I began to get excited about you coming into the world. I'll carry you in my heart forever. I know you're with Jesus, and that gives me happy bumps and sad bumps at the same time. I know Heaven will be amazing, and I'm jealous you get to be there, in His presence, but sad because I wish you had gotten to be with me. A child should never pass before their parent. Whether it's miscarriage, sickness, accident, anything. It's screwed up. But it happens. God has a will and a way. He allows things to happen for a reason. I do not understand His reason for wanting to keep you, but then, I was not made to understand. Just accept. I've accepted it, Peanut. I know you're gone, with Him. You were too beautiful to come to this wretched Earth. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. I think I'm allowed to hurt.. I love you, and it HURTS to lose someone you love. He loves you so much more than I. He'll hold you til I get there baby. Be patient with Mommy. He's not through with me yet. I love you my little chunky peanut butter baby. Sweet dreams. XOXOXO, Mommy..

P.S. This picture is from Maya's blog at Rockstar Ronan. I related to it the minute I saw it. She is an amazing woman, much stronger than I. I admire her strength, and her love for her Ro baby, who she lost to cancer. Go check out her blog. Please!