Forget

I held it in for the longest time. Only a few people ever knew what you said. Only a few ever saw, with their own eyes, your messages from your number that night. That you told me, who had miscarried less than 2 months ago, that I didn't love my child. That you would be praying for the baby, since I "didn't care to". You knew NOTHING. I cried myself to sleep for the LONGEST time. Every night. During the day. When I saw someone pregnant or holding a baby, it hurt my heart. I prayed for God to hold my baby and tell them about me since I couldn't. To tell them how much I loved them, thought about them all the time, every day, and how I would have traded places in a heartbeat if that's what it took to keep my child alive. I would have sacrificed anything and everything to keep my child with me. God had a different plan. His will be done. I didn't understand it, and still don't, but I've since made my peace with Him. We aren't made to understand what He does/allows to happen. I've allowed Him to heal that part of my heart and accept that God has other plans for me But the words that you said, that you text? Cannot be unseen. Cannot be unheard. I forgave you. When I told you I did, I meant it. But, when someone says your name, or when I see you, I can't forget it. Some people say forgive and forget. Others say forgive but never forget. Don't ask why I can't, I don't know. I wish I could, then I would never have to relive those words, those feelings in that moment again. But they're there. I can't forget.

One Year.

It's hard to believe it's been a year. Some days it feels like 3, some days it feels like yesterday. I love you, peanut. Thank you, Lord, for letting me carry that special gift for a little while. Hold my baby close, please. One day, Mommy will be there to hold and kiss you a million billion times. I love you always always always!

Connecticut.

I've been praying HARD for these families. Lord, wrap your arms around them. Comfort them as only your peace and grace and love can. Hold them close, for they are truly hurting and heartbroken.
I know the hurt of losing a baby. You love them so much already. But I couldn't begin to imagine the pain of losing a child that I had gotten to get to know, and watch grow. So please, Lord. Hold these families close right now and in the future. They are hurting terribly. Help them please. Amen.

Carried

"It was then that I carried you."
I carried you. Then He carried you. For a while He had to carry me, too.
I only got to carry you for a little while, but I will carry you in my heart always.
This time, last year, I was pregnant with you. I was a little scared, happy, and starting to get excited. I was trusting and leaning on God. I had to let Him carry you, though. I don't understand, but I trust. The 17th will be hard, but I know He will help me, just like last year. I love you, baby. Always. always. always.

You'll just have Heaven before we do, baby.

Peanut, HOW has it been a year since I found out I was pregnant with you? I can't believe it. You'd be almost 4 months old now, if you'd been born on your due date. It's so hard to believe.
I miss you, peanut. I love you SO much, don't you EVER forget that. Mommy loves you. I will carry you in my heart always.
I found a song called Glory Baby. That's where I found the title for this post. I loved it. "You'll just have Heaven before we do." I just know they're holding you and loving you until I get there. I'll have you and Heaven and our sweet Jesus one day, peanut. Be patient, He's not done with me yet.
I found this one that almost made Mommy cry. "No farewell words were spoken. No time to say goodbye. You were gone before we knew it. And only God knows why." He knows baby. You were too beautiful to be here. You got Heaven before I did, but one day, I'll be there with you, peanut. Until then, I love you. Sweet dreams baby.

I'll Carry You in My Heart Forever

I only carried you in my tummy for a little while, but I'll carry you in my heart forever. And ever and ever, peanut.
I love you baby. Sweet dreams. Xoxoxo

I just..

Wish you were here, Peanut. :( I want you. I love you, baby. Always. Always. Always. Sweet dreams my little lovie.